The Future, Or how I learned to handle my shit again.

The thing about being trans and not knowing it is that I constantly felt to some degree or another like I was in a play. I felt like an actor, trying on a part or wearing a costume and that one wrong move or one wrong line and everyone is going to see through the act. And no matter what I did to try and fix this feeling it persisted.

This has been my experience for decades.

Even when someone told me what trans was, I wasn’t sure. It fit It fit too well. How could something this simple be right there in front of me. It was too easy. So I rejected it the first time I heard it. I chalked it up to trying to be part of a crowd, looking too hard for something. I kept looking for reasons that this wasn’t what was happening. I hunted down research articles about PCOS (poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome) thinking perhaps that I had been pickled by too much testosterone while going through puberty. (Note this isn’t the case, there is a correlation between PCOS and Trans men, but not a causation, so yes there is a number but not all and there is no way literature on why. the stats are roughly 25-35%).

So in an effort not think about what was happening I really tried to up my acting. I went deeper into the costume closet. Grew my hair out, started wearing really feminine things and really tried to extol the glories of the binary. I started hating any signs of masculinity within myself and I kept trying to force this idea of femininity.

This is what happens when we’re stuck within a binary.  I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t find a way to adjust my world view to incorporate anything beyond the binary.

 

Continue reading